I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
