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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i would punch a child for taco bell
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
