He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
