You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
