I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
