I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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