and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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