i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
