I wish my penis had an off switch
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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