Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
