He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
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I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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