remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
