Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.