I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."