please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.