lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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