We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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