I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
