I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
