btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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