all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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