You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
40s are totally the cure
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
