The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
