im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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