Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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