you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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