i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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