she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
