my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
