i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
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i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
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He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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