I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
