Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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