if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
if only i could text you this smell
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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