I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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