wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
