she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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