last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
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You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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