My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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