guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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