hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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