I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
