If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
