We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
