; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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