My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
