I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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