She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
