Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
