This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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