I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
