I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
