a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
