You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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