Farmville is her only friend.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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