Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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