i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
