remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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