but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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