I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
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We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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